WHY I STOPPED PRAYING

This is why I stopped praying

Because it tears me apart

Literally. Separating skin muscle from bone

In a clinical procedure

That reveals my innermost parts

Because you know me too well

You made me after all

Fearfully, wonderfully, but not perfectly.

You knew there would be this

Unquenchable thirst that would only be

Filled by you and so you gave me

Prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name

May the hallowed halls of my ribcage

Only expand to sing your praises

May the wind that washes through

Tingle with eternity

Your kingdom come, your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven

In the mind as in the heart

In the spirit as in the body

As in the twisting, turning hours

Of lonely nights when I called out your

Name and got

A Psalm in return

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our trespasses

That lead us not into temptation

Lead us not into – temptation

Not into the awareness that reminds us

Why man and woman need to come together

As one.

Lead us not into Instagram thirst traps

And Facebook messages that remind

Us why we are lonely

Why we must play spectator to the

Grand, sweeping likes of our ‘equal’

Counterparts.

Like, Like, Like

Like deliver us from evil, For thine is

The kingdom, the power, and let us not forget

The Glory – for ever, and ever, and ever…

And ever.

This is why I stopped praying

Because there is no end to the longings

And desires of the heart

There is no quota for fulfillment

There is no border for lust of the eyes

Or for the pride of life.

There is no asnwer.

There is only pain. Only a constant rending

Of tender, nearly-healed muscles

Fresh from my last endeavor at seeking your face

Instead of the song of gladness,

There is only the gall of bitterness

There is only a constant, heavy pressure

Sitting low and hard at the center of my chest

Beating, Steady.

What was once buoyant faith now weighs

Me down so that our conversations consist

Only of niceties

For I no longer know what to say to you

I no longer have conversation past

ACTS

I acquiesce to your greatness

I confess my sins – for they are several

I thank you for blessings seen and unseen

And I surrender what I have left of my faith

Someone once told me that God is not

Afraid of my mess.

And that’s why I stopped praying

I stopped praying, and I started talking

Wounds come slowly when you’re afraid

Of a lightning bolt

But they come all the same

Halting, painful, bitter, rigid, angry, defiant,

Mournful, choked, pissed, desperate and

Surrendered they come

Pouring out of that weight in my chest

But never making it lighter

Perhaps you’ve grown tired of my prayers

That’s why I stopped praying.

I have no loneliness left to offer

No faith to speak of

No foundation in this flailing sand

Nothing left but tears and a

Bitter, angry heart.

Our Father, who art in heaven

Deliver us from evil

But what if you don’t

That’s why I stopped praying.

Published by alexiima

Life's a party in a sunflower field. Even when we wilt, we are beautiful to behold.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create your website with WordPress.com
Get started
%d bloggers like this: