TO REMEMBER

This time it was different

Not different like all the other times

I said it was different – No.

This time I refuse to pick myself back up.

I refuse to paste on a smile

I refuse to cajole the corners of my eyes

To crinkle up.

I refuse to reach out.

No.

I am going to sit right here in this mess

And wait for a miracle

Maybe it will come along

Or a sunrise

Or a hurricane

Or a butterfly

Or as nothing

Maybe I will fade away into nothing

Maybe my tears will

Evaporate from inside out

And take me with them.

If this is life, then I shall embrace the pain

This time.

I always struggle to get up from the valley

I always chastise myself for mourning the loss

That I can never understand

There is always a hiking up of skirts,

A setting of the jaw

A firming of the face

A step – where? Anywhere but here

And yet here is where you always

Lead me back to.

So I have decided

Enough is enough

If you want me to be broken

Then so be it

If tears are my portion

I shall garnish them with salt

And not throw them back

Like a nasty pill

If pain, if solitude, if loneliness is my journey

Lead me.

Published by alexiima

Life's a party in a sunflower field. Even when we wilt, we are beautiful to behold.

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